My Story of Grief
How I “allow” my son’s suicide with grace….
My son is one of the greatest loves of my life. His existence stood out in this world because he had charisma. He made a impression everywhere he went. You could count on it! He’s remembered by all who met him.
When we lost him, we all came to a screeching halt! Nobody knew what to do, think, feel or be after his suicide. I imagine it’s this way for everyone. He was almost 19 when he left us all. That first week I was numb, heartsick and robotic. I couldn’t smile, eat or feel anything. My house was full of young friends from all around who came to morn and support us. The stories we shared were all fantastic. I still love every memory anyone shares about my him. His life was LARGE!
When I finally had time to be with my own grief and misery, alone, thinking all the darkest thoughts (it still can take my breath away). I continued to be the strong mother my son relied upon me to be, only now it was with grief.
I went from what I call “selfish grief” and misery to gratitude, love and appreciation. I made the decision to allow the sadness and grief, but not become it. My “selfish grief” is the thought, I don’t have my son anymore, he’s gone.
Losing a child can bring anyone to their knees. And it did just that, just writing that sentence takes me to my knees again. What I know and choose to hold on to is: I’m so grateful because, I had my son. If I had to do it all over again, I would.
While I’ll always miss my son and wish he were still here, I appreciate - - LOVE - - his journey, his whole life. And that includes his death. It was an incredible experience to be part of. I know he struggled and I accept the decision he made. I’m beyond grateful to have been a part of it! In my heart and sole, I made the decision to honor him. I ask others to join me, in his honor and be better for knowing him. I choose not to mourn his loss, instead I choose to honor his life.
With my compassion and understanding, I’ve been able to offer new perspective to others and help them find their way in their own grief. I’ve had the privilege to share tools that have helped me with so many others, to live in a forward motion, with love after loss. It is my honor I hold close to my heart.
- Helping others with their grief.